# well, some might say that you couldn't lead the way #
Shelly, wake up.
I'm up.
Harold? Harold, get up.
Harold.
Go away!
Morning.
Hi, sweetie.
Harold, get up.
# I think I know #
I'm 13. It's Saturday.
The world doesn't care if I get up.
Rush, rush, rush.
Harold, breakfast!
Harold! - What?
Breakfast!
All right, fine. Listen, I'll be down in a minute.
Just let me drop flipper in the harbor, okay?
Rush, rush, rush.
It's gonna rain today. I can feel it in my bones.
Hi, my name is Harold.
And to answer your question, no, I haven't always been bald.
In fact, when I was younger, I had plenty of hair.
My mom says my dad had a full head of hair,
But on her side of the family, the men go bald early --
Her grandpa in his 30s, dad in his 20s,
Me in my 5s.
When I started losing my hair, I tried all the tricks --
the perm...
...the comb-over...
...hair-growing gels...
the Shatner...
Trick or treat? - Trick or treat?
...and hair in a can.
One doctor even told me
that when men start losing their hair,
they'll buy a sports car.
What's it gonna take for me to put you in this vehicle today?
I was $42,000 and one driver's license short.
Finally, I learned to accept it,
and so did everyone else in town.
I don't understand what the big deal is, Mom.
Mm, this is my sister, Shelly.
Why are you doing this to me?
You're making me look so uncool.
Your typical teenage girl.
She'd buy a turd if they sold it at the gap.
What is this?! I asked for egg whites.
I'm trying to lose three pounds.
And that's my mom.
I'm not Bill Gates. I'm not Oprah.
You're killing me.
You know, it's not easy raising two kids on your own.
How do I know?
Do you think it's easy raising two kids by yourself?
Well, it's not.
Told you.
That's my ride.
See ya.
And I'll get that information for you on the cellphone.
Ugh. The neighbor kids.
Damn punks!
Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
Get out of my yard!
Come on, kids!
I'm just trying to get our ball.
Oh, no, you don't.
You're ruining my tomatoes. Look at this.
Come on, I warned you kids --
Keep your balls out of my yard!
Come on, Harold.
Can't you be a regular kid?
Regular? I'm very regular -- 8:30 every morning.
I'm gonna tell my mom.
Good. Tell your mom.
Tell your dad. Tell your stepdad.
Oh, and tell the mailman,
who's gonna become your new stepdad.
Oh, yeah? "Murder, she wrote" sucks.
Go! Go! Get out of here now!
Aah!
I got to run, honey.
Have a good day.
Sure, Mom.
You know, I had a great life in Douglas.
I was like one of those unofficial mayors,
but I was just a weird kid instead of a cheerful drunk.
Hey, Harold.
Officer, hello.
Not only did people accept me, they really liked me.
# sun is shining #
Things were good.
All right, play ball!
I had plenty of friends. This was my town.
Strike!
And then it happened.
Kids, I have very big news.
Compustat wants to promote me to M.I.S. Manager.
Mom, that's awesome! - Yeah.
It's a lot more money,
but we have to move to Fredricksberg.
We're moving?
Yeah, they're gonna give us a great house,
and the schools there are fantastic.
I love it there. You know there are like three malls?
Harold?
I'm not moving to Fredricksberg.
Honey, I know it's gonna be a really big adjustment,
but you just trust me -- you're gonna love it.
Listen...
just leave me some 'roid cream in the house, and I'll be fine,
and you guys can come and visit me on the weekends.
Harold, you can't stay here alone.
You know, you guys don't understand.
I was born in this town. I will die in this town.
That's probably where they'll bury me.
Okay, John Cougar, take it easy.
I can't believe you're doing this to Mom on her special day.
You are such a jerk.
Well, you know, my roots go a little deeper than a mall.
Three malls.
Okay, champ, I need you to do me a favor, okay?
All right, here it comes --
the big speech where a parent forces a kid to do something
but pretends they have an option.
What do you say? Can you do this for me?
No, I think I'll stay here.
No, you're not.
Shut up and eat your spaghetti.
Told you.
I heard you're moving. - Huh? Yeah.
Sorry to see you go.
It was fun watching you get mad.
You're like an old man... but not as scary.
I'll miss you, too.
Listen, here's your stuff back.
Thanks.
Sorry I said "Murder, she wrote" sucks.
Don't worry about it, kid.
Hey! You tore our Nerf ball in half.
Shouldn't have been in my yard.
Next thing I know,
we're packed up and on the road to shopping-center hell.
# it's good to know people come and go #
And since there was nothing I could do about it,
I decided to have an open mind and,
you know, give the place a chance.
This is Fredricksberg.
What a shit hole!
Harold, watch your language.
I love it, Mom.
Yeah, you would.
Harold, what did we talk about?
You're not even giving it a chance.
# where will you be in my time of need? #
It didn't look that different from Douglas,
but I never wanted to punch my old hometown in the face.
Well! Hello, sailor.
Did you just move in?
Yeah, we did.
"We"? What, you and your wife?
No, I'm not married.
Me either.
The name's Maude.
I'm Harold.
Harold. Whew!
What a strong, virile name.
Yeah, I got to go unpack.
Look, if you need anything -- cup of sugar,
soothing massage on your strong, aching muscles --
don't hesitate.
Just come on over.
Okay, well, I got to go.
Hey, Mom, I just met the insane lady next door.
Now, you see? You've been here five minutes.
You already made a new friend.
Why are you making such a big deal out of this?
You know what? I just don't like new doctors.
Why can't we just go back to Douglas, see Dr. Boone?
I trust him. - No, we're not doing that.
But you know what? I'm in great shape, all right?
Some people even call me virile.
Well, your new school wants proof of that, okay?
I'm gonna go check on Shelly. I'll be right back.
Harold Reynolds.
Here.
What else have I got today? I'm beat.
Like I'm not? There's just two more to go --
a Mr. Kahane
and a young boy named Reynolds.
Good afternoon, sir.
Hi.
And what are we here for this afternoon?
You know, just a checkup.
Okay, let's take a quick look at the blood pressure.
Give me your arm, if you will.
Was my nurse okay with you out there?
Oh, yeah, fine.
Sometimes she can be a real bitch.
Really? - Yeah.
Of course, most of them are.
You married? - No.
Ah, you're lucky.
Whoa! Your blood pressure's very good.
I don't know what you're doing, but keep doing it.
All right, how's your diet -- pretty good?
Yeah.
Good look here. Any dizziness?
Ahhhh. No. - Oh, do that again.
Ahhhh. - Uh-huh, it looks good.
Ever trouble with sore throats? - Uh, once in a while.
Just the occasional cold? - Yeah, of course, yeah.
You have trouble sleeping?
No.
Using a good diet?
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
And what about that boner?
Excuse me. - What?
Your boner.
My boner?
Well, a lot of times, at this age,
It'll start getting a little...
Soft.
My boner's hard.
All right.
Hi. Is my son gonna be much longer?
Shouldn't be much longer.
Okay. He's a little scared about this examination.
Oh, well, I have worked with lots of doctors,
and this guy is very gentle with children.
Oh, okay, good.
Just pick a spot on the wall and concentrate on it.
This'll only take a minute.
Ohhhh!
Just relax.
I can't! I can't.
You're tightening up on me. Think of something pleasant.
Any suggestions? Ohh.
Oh, my god! I can't believe this!
What? What?
You have the prostate of a 10-year-old.
I'm 13!
Get over it.
Mom, what do you think about this blouse
for the first day of school?
I think it'll really make a statement.
It's cute! What do you think, Harold?
Mom, seriously.
I mean, come on, he knows nothing about clothes.
Look at what he's wearing.
Fashion's not his strong suit, sweetie.
What am I, a retarded boy holding a balloon over here?
Come on, guys, don't talk about me like I'm not in the room.
Sorry. - I'm not sorry.
Oh, yeah? Well, you will be if you wear that heinous-looking shirt.
Shut up, loser!
20 bucks says she doesn't wear that shirt tomorrow.
Your sister's under a lot of pressure.
Teenage girls can be vicious. - Ow!
Teenager girls can be vicious.
Teenager sisters, however, can be emotional vampires.
Hey!
Listen --
So, it's your first day of school tomorrow and everything,
and I just wanted to give you, you know, a little advice.
If you want to make friends,
try not to act like yourself 'cause you're weird.
I'm weird?
Yeah. It's not just your bald head, either.
It's your clothes, your attitude.
You're just creepy.
I'm only trying to help.
Thanks for the advice.
Don't mention it. Night.
It's not your bald head, either.
It's your clothes, your attitude. You're creepy.
This is good.
I tried to have a good attitude,
'cause, you know, how bad can a new school be?
All right, you can go.
Oh, great. That guy's got to be trouble.
Hey, what kind of sandwich you got?
A squished one.
Keep moving, tubby.
Now, he's what psychologists refer to as an alpha male.
Everybody else just calls him an asshole.
Hey, who are you listening to?
These guys suck! Yeah, you would listen to them.
If I can stay off that guy's radar, I should be all right.
Okay, okay.
Excuse me, sir?
What's wrong, kid? Somebody puke?
No, I was just wondering if you knew where room 42 was.
Oh, okay, that's easy.
Go down this hall, past the teacher's lounge,
where they smoke and make fun of y'all.
Then you make a left at the soda machine,
which I was supposed to fix, but I don't feel like it.
You make a right at the principal's office,
which I also don't go nowhere near,
and it's the second door on the right.
Got that?
Yeah, I think -- left, right, second room.
That's right.
You an Astros fan? - Huh?
Your hat.
Oh, my hat, yes. I love the Astros.
You know, they used to be called the colt .45s.
They were named after a malt liquor -- booze!
Can you imagine a team today being called
the Boston Budweisers or the Chicago Champelles
or the Seattle Sissy Drinks with the umbrella in it?
It makes you think, huh?
Actually, I believe they were named after a gun,
the colt .45 pistol.
They were named after a beer and a gun.
Now, that's cool, man.
Okay, left, right, second room.
That's right. - Thank you.
And that's when I first set my eyes on Evelyn.
And I reacted like any 13-year-old boy would...
Grrrr, mercy!
...If it was 1964.
Well, uh, hello. Is this Ms. Norris' class?
It sure is.
Oh.
School -- a necessary evil.
Uh, you know, you're, like, the spitting image
of a younger Lindsay Lohan.
Really? You think so?
Without a doubt. I mean, you guys could be sisters.
I'm Harold.
I'm Evelyn. I love her.
Personally, I think she's our generation's Elizabeth Taylor.
Hey, new kid, you're in my seat.
Oh, sorry. I did not know that.
It was great meeting you, Lindsay -- I mean, Evelyn.
See you later, Harold.
Okay, goodbye.
Harold, huh?
I give up.
Hi, I'm Rhonda.
I'm Harold. I'm new here.
Nice to meet you, Harold.
You're gonna love it here at Patterson.
Okay, class, welcome back.
It is wonderful to see all of your smiling faces again --
even yours, Brad Denison.
Now, I'm sure you're all really happy that summer's over
so you get to start studying again, right?
Oh, and we have a new student with us this year, right?
I'm Harold.
Harold, why don't you come on up here
and tell everyone a little bit about yourself?
Nothing that good. I'm just...
Come on, Harold, up we go.
Well, uh, my name's Harold. I'm from Douglas.
That's about all.
Okay.
Well, I don't know how they do things over in Douglas,
But here at Patterson, we don't wear hats in the classroom.
I'm sorry, but it's not gonna interfere with my learning, you know?
I'm just a very big Astros fan.
[ chuckles ] Well, that's fine, but I --
I don't allow baseball caps in the classroom, so please take it off.
Do you know that at one point in time
the Astros were actually called the colt .45s?
Are you going to be a problem?
No, no, I'm just trying to...
lose the hat.
Okay.
Hey, grandpa!
Uh, did I mention I was bald?
Okay, class, class, let's all behave like ladies and gentlemen.
Uh...Harold, do you, um --
do you have some sort of disease going on?
Nope, I'm just bald.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, you just go on back to your -- your seat.
Yeah, I think I'm really gonna enjoy it here at Patterson.
How are the liver and onions today?
I've been waiting 32 years to hear a kid say that.
It's good.
All right, well, I'll have some, dear. Thank you.
Hey, what's up, buddy?
Hey, Harold, over here!
Harold, these are my friends Malcolm, James...
Hi.
...Bryon, and Jugdish.
Gentlemen.
I can't believe Ms. Norris made you take off your hat.
That wasn't cool.
People would have found out eventually, I think.
If I could give you some advice --
wear fruit of the loom underwear.
It hurts less when they give you a wedgie.
Well, I'm really happy you're here at Patterson.
Me too.
Now that you're here,
you're gonna take the heat off me big time.
Well, I thought I wouldn't like it here.
Don't worry, Harold.
You're one of us.
We stick together as a team. There's strength in numbers.
We're brothers!
Bye.
I got to go.
Stay out of the upstairs bathroom.
Sorry, it was an accident.
There was a report of a cleanup on aisle 5.
Sorry about the spill.
They accidentally threw it at me.
You call this a spill?
Back in '94, a fat kid fell off the monkey bars, hit his head.
Blood was squirting out of him like a fountain.
And then, if that wasn't bad enough, he crapped hisself.
By the time I got over there,
The smell of puke and poop overwhelmed seven other kids.
They started blowing chunks. Nasty.
You're new, ain't you? - Yeah.
Name's Cromer. - Harold.
Good to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too, Harold.
How's it hanging?
Uh, well, I'm having the worst day of my life.
Yeah, I heard some kids talking about it in the bathroom.
Then there was somebody mentioning it in the gymnasium.
A couple of cooks in the cafeteria were talking about it.
Oh, thanks, you're making me feel a lot better.
Ah, don't worry about it.
It's always tough on the first day for the new kid.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You're wearing fruit of the loom, ain't you?
No.
Oh, crap.
Stay out of the upstairs bathroom.
Before we get started today, class,
I'd like to point out we have a newcomer.
We know!
This is Shelly Reynolds. Welcome.
Thank you, Mr. Ponchet. I'm really excited to be here.
It seems like a really cool school,
and I can't wait to get to know everyone.
I really like your dress.
Did you get it from the limited? - Express.
It's super cute. - Thanks.
All right, Miss Reynolds,
it's clear your fashion sense is impeccable.
But I was wondering if you could tell me
the answer to this problem on the board.
It's "x = 132."
X = 132?
That's correct.
It's going to be a pleasure
having you here at Roosevelt High.
Ugh, the perfect way to end any crappy day --
forced exercise.
Welcome back, ladies.
What is this, a garden?
Because all I see is a bunch of pansies in front of me.
Let's warm up with 10 laps.
Pick it up, Dietz.
Oh, good lord, my grandmother can do laps faster than that!
Nobody walks but the mailman!
That's why they gave him a truck!
And I better not catch you goldbricking!
Eye of the tiger, guys, eye of the tiger.
You know what the requirements are to be a junior-high coach?
A low I.Q. and short pants.
All right, let's bring it in, guys. Bring it in.
Today I thought we'd play some dodge ball, okay?
You, you, you, you, you, and you in the center.
The rest of you guys split up on either side of them.
Man!
Uh, excuse me, coach.
I figured I'd let you know I can't participate today
'cause I've got a very bad back.
Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Do you, uh -- do you have a note from your doctor?
No.
Mm. Get in the middle, Harold!
It's not a good sign when the coach knows your name
on the first day.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
I-I-I'm -- I'm sorry, guys.
He wasn't ready.
Let's give him another chance, okay?
Ow! No chance. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ohh.
What did the principal say?
He said the school usually doesn't do this, but --
but what? - You can be a cheerleader!
Eagles, ready! Let's go!
Let's do it! And we'll win tonight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Go, Eagles!
Oh, hey, Lindsay! I mean Evelyn.
Hi. How are you?
Oh, hi, Harold.
You like to walk? - No.
Oh. Yeah, me neither.
I've got bunions... corns, boils.
I've got calluses full of puss on my feet.
Oh, wow. Do you have a go-kart, Harold?
No.
Oh. I love go-karts.
Well, when I said I didn't have one,
I meant it's not here.
It's back there, yeah.
Oh. - Yeah.
Where is it?
Well, it's gonna be here soon. Very soon, yeah.
Okay.
Watch it!
Hey, Evelyn.
What are you doing with him? - We're just talking.
Oh.
Leave her alone, you bald-headed freak.
Oh, all right, listen, we're just having a conversation,
and since it doesn't involve boogers or comic books,
I doubt you'd be interested.
Oh, well, you look like my left nut.
We're going to the racetrack.
Hop in, Evelyn. I'll give you a ride.
Sure. I'll see you later, Harold.
See you later, Evelyn.
Ohh! My foot!
What was that?
Bunions.
Harold, I'm gonna go down to the racetrack
and ride my go-kart -- you want to go?
You know, I think I've had my quota of fun for the day.
Oh. Okay.
Bye.
Okay, we'll pick you up for school tomorrow,
and we're so happy you're a Roosevelt Eagle.
Go, Eagles!
I love Fredricksberg!
Oh, god.
Mom, so, the girls insisted they make me cheerleader.
I love it here. - Great, honey.
Oh, I'll get it!
How was your day, Harold?
Eh, about as fun as a rectal exam.
Oh, wait a minute. I had one of those.
Not as fun as a rectal exam.
You just give it two weeks.
You're gonna be running that place.
Yeah, well, with sage advice like that,
how could I ever go wrong?
Harold, you have a visitor!
It was very nice meeting you.
Wonderful to meet you, honeybunch.
Harold, I baked you a cake
to welcome you to the neighborhood.
Could you do me a favor and take out my garbage?
Because I don't have a man around.
Oh, he'd love to. Wouldn't you, Harold?
Sure.
Somebody's got a girlfriend.
You know what?
I wish that your boobs would fall off.
Oh, wait a minute.
I must have already wished for that.
Hey, old man, it's a full moon!
And that's about as good as things got
over the next couple of weeks.
Hey.
Okay, you five guys are team 1.
You five are team 2.
The rest of you, take a seat.
Team 1 is shirts. Team 2 is skins.
So lose the shirts, girls.
We're gonna play some B-ball.
That means you, too, Harold.
Uh, coach,
I think I'm just gonna keep it on for the game
because I've got very, very sensitive skin.
Oh, good lord, I had no idea.
I'm sorry. That must be terrible.
Yeah. - I'm so sorry.
Um, now, I'm assuming you have a note from your doctor?
No.
Oh. No. Okay.
Well, then lose it!
Oh, man, he looks like a little ape!
Who's guarding Kong?
Uh, I think I know what happened to your hair, kid.
Coach Vanderpool?
What is it, Cromer?
The office wants to see Harold.
Harold! Report to the office.
For god's sakes, put that shirt back on, son.
Hey, Harold, hold up. Hold up.
I got to go to the office.
Nah, you know what? I made that up.
You didn't look like you was having too much fun there.
Hey, you want to come watch "Judge Joe Brown" in my office?
"Judge Joe Brown"?
Yeah, I watch that cat every day.
Unless you want to go play basketball -- I understand.
No, no, I'll watch it with you.
Cool. - All right.
I wouldn't advise other kids
to go into an office with a janitor.
But I didn't have to worry
'cause if he did have a thing for little kids
he wouldn't want a bald one.
At least, that's what I'm hoping.
Oh!
You don't talk back to Judge Joe Brown.
You got that right.
Who's the lady?
That's Kitty Von Squeeze.
She's an internet, um...entrepreneur.
Do you know what that means?
She poses nude on the web
and works strip joints on the weekends?
For sure.
You know what I love most about Judge Joe Brown?
No. What's that?
That even though life isn't fair, he gives you hope,
hope that things will work out for the good guy.
You know what I mean? - Yeah, I do.
Well, got to go.
See ya.
Hey, kid...
Hang in there.
Thanks.
Get him, Judge Joe!
Hey, Harold!
You want to take her for a spin?
I don't think so.
Come on.
You know what? On second thought, maybe I will.
Good.
Well, hey, princess! Nice go-kart.
# this whole town will burn #
# to the ground #
Are you okay?! - Yeah, I think so.
Lucky you were wearing that helmet.
Oh, yeah, real lucky.
Hey, lookit! It's Barbie and Baldy!
Those guys think they're so cool.
Well, they won't be laughing
when I win the Patterson 500 go-kart race this year.
Harold, can you unload the dishwasher?
I'm watching TV.
You're watching "Murder, she wrote."
You've seen that episode like five times.
Yes, I know that, but trust me --
every time I watch it, I notice something new.
Can you get Shelly to do it?
Shelly's getting ready for her date.
I have to do everything around here.
Listen, can I just do it after the show? - That's fine.
Oh, and, Mom, can I ask you a favor?
What?
The walk to school has been killing my bunions.
Can I get a go-kart?
Harold, I can't get you a go-kart.
I just spent a fortune on the cheerleading stuff.
Listen, Mom, I didn't even want to move to this town!
At the very least, I should get a go-kart.
Mom, I can't find my blue eye shadow!
Have you seen it? - Check under the sink.
It's not there! Harold, did you move my stuff?!
Yes, I hid it someplace you'll never find it!
Where?!
Inside your math book.
Okay, stop.
I'm coming.
Yeah, it's open.
Hello. Hi, I'm Patrick.
I'm here to pick up Shelly.
She's still getting ready.
You know, even though Shelly just started at Roosevelt,
she's one of the more popular girls in school.
I'm just saying you should be very proud of your daughter.
So, where do you plan on taking my lovely daughter?
Oh, we're going to see a movie.
You don't think she puts out, do you?
Uh...No.
No, no, sir.
'Cause if you try anything on my little girl,
I will chop your nuts off!
�Comprende?
Y-yes, sir.
I'll do it, too. I got power tools.
Hi, you're Patrick. - Hi.
Yeah, hi.
I'm, um -- I'm Shelly's mom.
Nice to meet you. - You, too.
Sorry I'm late. How do I look? - You look good.
Vroo-vroo!
In a modest, wholesome way.
You kids have fun tonight.
Don't do anything too nutty.
We -- we won't.
Stuff it, loser. Come on.
Mom, that little freak pretended to be my dad
and threatened Patrick.
Harold, did you?
No comprende.
You are such a jerk.
I told you to be considerate of your sister.
She's going through a tough time.
All right, you know what? Sorry, Mom.
Sometimes I forget how easy life is
for a 13-year-old bald kid.
Just because you're bald
it doesn't mean that you can treat her like that,
or anybody else.
You know what? I hate it here!
You know, I'm not surprised, Harold, because you know why?
You have a shit attitude!
That's right. You heard me. You have a shit attitude.
You didn't even give the place a chance.
Mom, you're wrong! I've tried it, but it sucks!
Okay, I don't want to hear it.
Just go to your room.
All right, fine.
I had had an ass load of Fredricksberg.
This bird is flying the coop.
We're going back to Douglas.
Yeah, I'm gonna catch the 6:00 A.M. Bus back to Douglas.
I'm gonna talk to Gus.
He'll let me stay at the firehouse for a while.
I'll go to Principal Jenkins. I'll get back in school.
My life will be pretty good once I get home.
All I need now is to knock the dust of Fredricksberg
off these here shoes.
Whoo! There's some hotties in here!
That's right! Come on in! The Alibi!
It's all going down at the Alibi tonight.
We got some hot, hot ladies down at the Alibi.
We got classy, not trashy.
We got -- hey, pops, pops, come on in.
No.
Come on. Have a little fun. - No, thanks, no.
Oh, come on! What, are you running for pope?
No, no.
Take your dialysis-machine bag off and get in there, buddy!
Hey, listen --
Live it up a little! Gene, we got one.
Gay.
# all I can tell you #
# all I can say #
# every thief in the city #
# they could steal our love away #
What are you drinking?
Oh, bourbon and soda.
How about you?
I'll have the same thing, thanks.
# when I dream at night #
Nice. That dusty -- nice, right?
Well, I've never met her, but she seems nice.
I might get a little lap dance off her later.
Really?
I think I might get myself one of those lap things, too.
# when I dream at night #
# hoo-hoo #
# you're the girl I'm dreaming 'bout #
# hoo-hoo #
Come on! Where are my party people, y'all?
Where are they all at? Come on!
Mwah!
I think your bald head is sexy.
Well, I also got the prostate of a 10-year-old.
You want to buy these ladies a drink?
I've only got three bucks and some bunion ointment.
That's more than I got.
We got to go.
Uh -- uh --
We thought they liked us for our good looks.
This is a great place, though, huh?
I'm not even supposed to be here.
Yeah. Old lady gets pissed, right?
No. No, that's not even it.
Listen -- don't tell anyone this, all right?
I'm only 13.
You're only 13?!
Give me that! You shouldn't be drinking that.
Bourbon!
Excuse me. Could you give him a light beer?
You'll like it. It tastes just like water.
Here you go, sweetie.
13. Things are pretty good, though, huh?
Eh, not really. I get picked on a lot.
It can't be that bad.
You're 13. You're in a titty bar.
Yeah. No, I guess -- I guess you got a point.
I never thought of it that way.
All right, I got to go drain the lizard.
Harold.
Cromer.
What is this? Get me my milk! This isn't milk.
What are you doing here?
I'm a creepy janitor. I'm supposed to be here.
What are you doing here?
Well, I'm running away,
but my bus doesn't leave till tomorrow.
No, you're not.
The place you're going is home. Come on.
Ah-ah-ah.
Grab your bag.
Hey, there's that entrepreneur you like.
So what? Keep moving.
And, you know, Coach Vanderpool hates me, all right?
And Brad and those knuckleheads are always messing with me.
And the worst part is they do it in front of Evelyn.
I know it's hard for you right now,
but all this is just gonna make you tougher.
You sure? - Oh, positive.
See, all them kids in high school --
they just skating through life.
But later on, when it gets tough,
they're gonna fold like pancakes.
Not you.
What you've been through,
you're gonna be able to eat nails
and crap out a toaster oven.
And that's a good thing?
Well, hell, yeah!
You got to remember one thing, Harold --
you're smarter than them kids.
You just got to start using that to your advantage.
You know, you really shouldn't have been a janitor.
You should have been a teacher.
I thought about it. I couldn't afford the pay cut.
How come you're always so cool to me?
Well...
When I was your age,
there was this little black kid that everybody used to pick on.
Then one day he got hit in the face
with a water balloon full of urine.
Poor son of a bitch cried all the way home.
Hey...
You were that kid, weren't you?
No. Hell, no!
I was the kid that threw the water balloon.
I thought it would be funny.
But then I saw that kid crying, and I felt bad about it.
And I made myself a promise --
that I would help people out whenever I got the chance,
look after people, protect people.
Look at this son of a bitch.
Hey! Get out the way!
All right, good night.
Hey, Harold. - Yeah?
If you decide to come in tomorrow and shoot up the whole school,
Remember one thing.
What's that?
I was nice to you.
Okay.
Cromer's right. I'm a smart kid.
I just have to use it to my advantage.
Oh, dear god, help me.
Oh, god.
Sorry about last night, big guy.
Yeah, me too, Mom.
I know it's hard adjusting here, but it's gonna get easier.
Yeah, I know that, but all I'm saying
is life would be a lot easier if I had a go-kart.
We're not having this discussion.
Well, when might be a good time?
You know, I have a birthday coming up. - I know.
Is that lipstick on your head?
What?
Oh, yeah, I was hanging out with this stripper last night.
She thought my bald head was cute, so she kissed it.
I'm so glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor.
Yeah, well, before I forget,
I need you to sign this thing for school
so i can go on some crappy field trip.
See, that's the attitude I'm talking about.
Field trips are fun!
You get to get out of school
and pretend you're learning something.
Let me see.
"Go to Lake Livingston State Park to go bird watching."
Wow, that's a crappy field trip. - Told you.
You did get boned on this one.
Yeah, well, bird watching sucks.
Well, at least you get to get out of classes.
Yeah, you have a point -- no gym class.
You see?
Yeah.
That's a good attitude.
Stupid foreigner wouldn't sell me any beer.
He's not even from this country.
How does he know what a fake I.D. looks like?
Yeah, that sucks.
Look, look. There's Shelly's freaky little brother.
Dude, you weren't lying. He looks just like an old man.
I know.
Hey, Harold!
You know, I should beat your ass
for that little stunt you pulled the other night.
Well, Patrick, I don't really think
my mom would approve of you dating my sister if you were to do that.
Yeah, but, uh, we're not dating your sister.
Listen, fellas,
maybe we can work out an agreement, all right?
You guys ever hear the story of "the Lion and the Mouse"?
It's one of Aesop's Fables?
The, uh -- the mouse pulls the thorn out of the lion's paw?
It wasn't a big book. It had a lot of pictures in it.
They made it into a cartoon.
All right, forget about it.
Listen, how about I buy you guys some beer?
You're crazy, kid. Give me the money.
I'll buy you guys some beer,
but you have to give me a ride home.
All right.
You having a party?
What? No, no, I'm celebrating -- kicked my old lady out.
Women -- they're nothing but trouble.
She Cambodian?
No.
They are the worst.
Hey, wait a minute. How old are you?
What?
I said how old are you?
Look at me. I'm old.
I know that, but we give discount to 60 and older.
I ain't that old.
Well, are you 59? - No.
58? - No.
Man, if you under 50, you got to take better care of yourself.
You should drink green tea, eat more vegetable.
All right, you know what? Just give me the beer.
All right, guys, thank you for the ride
my bunions were killing me.
What were you doing with Patrick?
Relax. Relax.
He was just giving me a ride home,
and he didn't kiss me, although he tried.
Just stay away from him, okay?
All right, class, I want you to be on the lookout
for all the birds that are indigenous to this area.
Hey, guys, I'm having myself
a little shindig for my birthday.
You want to come?
We can't. We're going to computer camp. - Aw, hell's bells.
I can't even compete with that kind of action, guys, seriously.
Well, I'd love to come. - Oh, really?
Yeah, what are you getting for your birthday?
Go-kart.
Oh, cool! - Yeah, should be pretty cool.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, listen, guys, I got to rock my sneakers.
Catch up with you, uh, cats later.
Okay.
Oh, hi, Evelyn. - Hi.
Hi, yeah, I'm having a thing for my birthday this weekend.
If you wanted to come, I think it would be cool -- aah!
Hey, teach, I saw a Bald Eagle!
Where's a wild animal when you need one?
Oh, my god! It's a bear!
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
All right, yogi, now you've done it!
Let's dance!
No, boo boo, not twice in one day!
That's it! That's it!
You're my hero!
Harold! Hey, Harold, you coming?
Uh, yeah, coming right now.
Man, that field trip was crap.
Not for me.
I saw a hummingbird and a cardinal.
Hey.
Hey, Harold!
Come here.
All right, listen, guys,
I got to go hang out with these high-school kids.
Being cool is a curse sometimes.
Man, he's cool. Harold's so cool.
Hey, buddy, can you do us a favor?
Then we can go riding around?
Sure, if you can help us out.
I guess if you guys really want me to ride around with you,
I can give you a few minutes.
Get in.
Shotgun!
12-pack.
Sure.
Hey, Harold, I'm Belinda Taylor.
You go to school with my sister Evelyn.
Oh, hey.
You know, she was telling me how cool you were.
Oh, really? - Yeah.
Hey, get me some Mango wine coolers, would you?
You got it, toots.
Oh, and one more thing -- a playgirl magazine.
What? - Oh, come on.
I'll put in a good word with Evelyn.
Hey, guys.
What's up?
Hey, chief, how you doing?
Eh, pretty good.
Anything else?
Uh...
Uh, yeah, can I get a playgirl?
You mean playboy.
No, I mean a playgirl, yeah.
Okay, one playgirl.
It's -- I'm buying it as a joke.
It's gonna be funny.
Sure you are.
It's not for me.
Sure it's not.
It's for my old lady.
I thought you kick her out.
We got back together?
Sure you did.
You know, just give me the stuff, please.
So, where are we going?
Taking you home. I got crap to do.
Hey, I want you guys to know
that I'm having a birthday party this weekend,
and I was wondering if you gentlemen would like to attend.
Dude, come on.
I don't go to 8th-grade parties.
Will there be any 8th-grade girls there?
Uh, just my friend Rhonda.
There are no hot girls named Rhonda.
For sure.
That is one weird little dude.
Yeah, but his sister's a hottie.
I'll bag her by the harvest festival weekend.
In your dreams!
I'll bet you 50 bucks I nail her!
You're on.
I want in on this action. - All right.
Okay!
Oh, I'll help you get the cake.
Thanks for ruining my day.
I had to stay home
'cause you only had one friend to celebrate your birthday.
Oh, wait! I almost forgot your present.
Oh.
You got me that same thing last year.
Neh neh neh neh neh neh.
Happy birthday, Harold!
Oh, wow, thank you.
Happy Birthday.
What did you wish for?
Well, if I tell you, it won't come true.
Really?
Are we talking four wheels, motorized,
cruising down the street?
Wait, are you kidding?
Let's go to the garage.
Surprise!
Yeah?
What the hell is it?
It's a Rascal. It's just like a go-kart.
N-no, it's not. It's nothing like a go-kart.
Maude just bought a Rascal 5000,
and she gave us her old one.
Hmm. Great.
Harold, don't be a gloomy gus 'cause it isn't a "go-kart."
I'm sure Rhonda wants to go for a ride on it.
Yeah!
Ew.
# wait forever for a sign of something that's new #
# ain't it funny #
# how your friends start looking the same? #
# and you're walking the same streets again and again #
Come on. All right, all right.
Hey, all right, all right.
All right, all right.
# breaking out is getting harder to do #
# I can feel the hands on my shoulder #
# see the shadows climb up the wall #
Thanks for giving me a ride on your hog.
Yeah.
I had a really good time. Happy birthday.
All right, thanks. See you tomorrow.
# breaking out is getting harder to do #
The object is to climb the rope, Harold.
Hey, Cromer!
Why haven't you set up the go-kart track
for the Patterson 500?
Tubby Daniels ate one too many frito pies.
I'm gonna go clean it up.
Okay, that's not my problem, man.
The harvest festival is next weekend.
I need the track set up now.
Yes, sir, soon as I finish cleaning up the --
Okay, okay, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.
But all the guys are busy.
I need somebody to help me.
Harold, why don't you make yourself useful
and go help Cromer?
Okay, thank you.
Oh, what a pair.
Those two couldn't win a bronze medal at the special Olympics.
How do you not get mad when Coach Vanderpool treats you like that?
It's not worth getting mad at Vanderpool.
He's a...
Well, he's a turkey.
Turkey?
I didn't want to call him an asshole in front of you.
It's all right. He is one.
I got a trick I could play on him,
But it's gonna take two people.
I wonder who I could get.
Oh, I'll help you.
Are you sure?
I mean, this might really hurt the coach,
cause him great pain and suffering.
I'll help you.
If we get caught, you might get in trouble.
Oh, forget about it, then.
No, hold up, man. We ain't gonna get caught.
Trust me.
Just show up to school early tomorrow.
We gonna get him.
Today's lesson is plumbing.
Come on.
Now, hot water and cold water
run into all the sinks and showers,
but the toilets...
they only got cold water running to them.
Let's see what happens when we flush them all at the same time.
Ready? - Yeah.
Aah! Aah!
No, no, no! Wait! Wait! Wait! - What?
Give him a chance to get back under.
Ready?
Go.
Aah! Aah!
God damn it! Ohh!
Who the --
Get out of the way.
All right, today we're playing crab soccer, guys.
Good idea, coach.
Aah! My back is burnt! Ohh!
Oh, I didn't know that,
but I'm sure you have a note from your doctor.
On that day,
I learned you can gain strength from little victories.
...then you put the new bag in.
Hey! You ready to go?
Yeah, let me get my backpack.
Thank you.
Keep it squeezy, kid.
Hi, you must be Cromer.
I'm, uh -- I'm Harold's mom.
Hey! Nice to meet you.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. He's a real good kid.
Yeah, he makes me laugh.
Yeah, he was telling me about you, that you're really nice.
So do you and your wife, uh, live around here?
Not married.
But you have lots of girlfriends.
I do okay.
You want to -- you want to grab a drink sometime or --
No, no, I'm not asking you out.
I'm trying to find out if you're hitting on my son.
Whoa, hey, I don't want to take the kid camping, you know?
No, no, I know. I'm overly protective.
Yeah. I thought you were hitting on me.
I guess that's, uh, no way
To introduce yourself to the community --
by dating a janitor at your kid's school.
Make you look desperate.
Okay, could you not tell him that I asked you about this?
It's gonna embarrass him.
Relax, Mom, he hasn't touched me in my swimsuit area.
Okay. It was really nice meeting you.
Yes, ma'am.
So, Belinda's having a party tonight.
Evelyn's sister?
Yeah, and we need some beer.
All right, I'll get the beer,
But you got to take me to the party.
No way, chrome dome.
All right. Enjoy your Mr. Pibb and doritos.
Can you be ready by 8:30?
Okay, but I don't have a thing to wear.
There we go.
That there.
Tonight's the night.
Evelyn and I will be the only kids there.
That's good, yeah.
Now, what about that meat loaf for lunch the other day?
I don't think there was any meat in it.
Ah, you're very witty! - Thank you, Harold.
Yes.
Hey, Harold, what's going on, man?
Can't you see I'm talking to someone?
Please go away. - Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, don't worry.
I'll catch up with you later, sport.
Sorry about that.
Now, what about Mr. Jenkins and his computer class?
He's a real character!
Oh, Harold, you always know just want to say.
This is true.
Oh! My boys are here.
You are such a punk for tagging along.
You know the only reason they hang out with you
is 'cause you can buy them beer.
Yeah, and like they hang out with you
for your extensive knowledge of geography.
I should tell Mom you buy beer for them.
And I should tell Mom
that you're dating a teenage alcoholic.
Here, I have $20.
That's enough for two cases, okay?
I can't carry all this on my own.
All right, I'll help you. Come on.
Hey, who's your friend?
Uh, he's my nephew.
Sure he is. Your "nephew."
Uh, no, he actually is, right?
Sure he is.
Hey, Harold, thanks for getting the refreshments.
Ah, don't worry about it. Where's Evelyn?
Oh, she went out of town with my parents.
Okay, well, when she gets back,
you just tell her that I stopped by your little shindig.
Okay.
Okay. Goodbye. - Bye.
I called him. It went straight to voicemail.
Why would he turn his cellphone off
if he knew I was gonna call him?
Excuse me, but are you two by any chance talking about boys?
Okay, I'm gonna go look for some deviled eggs.
What does that even mean?
I don't know.
I got one.
What has 51 balls and always screws poor people?
What? - The lottery.
What's going on, fellas? - Uh...
Doing a little drinking tonight?
No, uh, you know, it's not like
we were drinking and driving, officer, right?
You're not supposed to be drinking at all, dumb ass.
You guys get in the house before we run your asses in.
Yes, sir.
Come on. Let's go.
Not you, pops. - Okay.
You're under arrest for contributing to delinquency of minors.
Put your hands behind your head. Spread your legs.
That was close.
Get me another drink, all right?
Shelly. Shelly.
The cops just took your brother away in handcuffs.
Did you help him?
No. Screw him!
He wasn't even supposed to be here, anyways.
Well, we got to go bail him out of jail.
Aw...
Stop!
What? Why are you being such a tease?
I got to go help my little brother!
All right, go ahead. I'm staying here.
Hey, wasn't that great, guys? Wasn't that awesome?
Hey, I'm allowed one phone call!
I know my rights! I watch "Matlock"!
What you in for, "G"?
H-hey, we're all innocent, right, guys?
Please, can I have my phone call?
Cromer's got a phone call.
Uh-oh.
If they bring us bologna sandwiches...
you're gonna give me yours.
Well, actually, I like bologna a lot.
I like it more.
Okay, fair enough.
Thank you, sweetie.
Hello?
Where?
Okay, I'll be right there.
Harold got busted.
I didn't get arrested till I was 15.
That kid is good.
Dusty, come here.
I'm gonna need this back.
Harold got busted, and I got to go bail him out.
Oh, you're gonna miss Kitty Von Squeeze.
Kitty Von Squeeze, bald-headed kid,
Kitty Von Squeeze, bald-headed kid.
It's a no-brainer.
You're right. Kid ain't going nowhere.
Hey, let me get another cold one!
Go get that kid!
Right, right. You're right. Okay.
The lion had the thorn in his paw,
and the mouse removed it.
Does anyone read anymore?
Reynolds, you made bail.
I'll see you guys on the outside.
Peace. Peace. All right. All right.
Hey, listen, thanks a lot for bailing me out.
Oh, it's a no-brainer.
How'd you know where to find me?
I knew that entrepreneur you liked was in town,
so it wasn't that hard.
You know, Harold, them high-school kids --
they ain't your friends.
They're just using you.
Oh, I know, because I can buy them beer. - That's right.
Yeah, and I used them so that I could go
to a high-school party at Evelyn's house.
See? I got a plan, too.
And that plan got you arrested.
Yeah, well, when you phrase it like that,
it doesn't make it sound like that great of a plan, but, eh...
Hey, listen, are you gonna tell my mom?
No, you deserve a break.
Besides, it probably wouldn't go over real well
if she knew I bailed you out with stripper money.
Probably not.
Thank God you're all right.
Did you tell Mom?
I was going to, but I didn't want to get you in trouble.
Thanks. Thank you.
It wasn't right what those guys did to you.
It is what it is.
We better get to bed before Mom wakes up.
All right, good night, and thanks again.
Hey, Harold...
When you were in jail...
they didn't, you know...
What?
You know!
Big guys do to little guys.
No, no, you've been watching
way too many a&e documentaries, all right?
No? Okay. - Yeah. No.
Word of my arrest got around school,
and I wasn't prepared for the reaction.
My sister told me you got arrested.
You got arrested? What a dork!
Oh, shut up, Brad. I think it's cool.
What was it like in jail?
Oh, you mean the big house?
It wasn't that bad.
I got along pretty well with the other cons.
They called me spider.
Wow.
They didn't, you know -- what big guys do to little guys?
Unh-unh! Spider don't play that.
Cool.
Oh, yeah. I'm bad.
# bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do? #
Dude, Shelly is pissed at you, man, all right?
You better have that 50 bucks for me on Saturday.
Relax, okay? It's a sure thing.
Watch me work my magic, huh?
Shelly.
What do you want, Patrick?
I need to talk to you.
I'm really, really sorry about the other night, you know?
When I got home, I realized what happened,
and I called down and tried to bail Harold out.
Did you?
Yeah, but he'd already been bailed out.
I hope you can forgive me.
You were so mean.
I know.
I was afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid I'm falling in love.
Walk me to class? - Sure.
Small bills, please.
Excuse me, Evelyn?
I heard a little secret about you.
What'd you hear?
Somebody got a crush on you.
Who is it?
I'll give you a little clue.
It's someone that looks a little more mature
than the rest of these boys.
If you try anything, I'm gonna call the police.
What? Hell, no, it ain't me.
We saw a video about guys like you in health class,
and at the top of the list were band directors and janitors.
Little bald kid -- Harold.
Remember I said he looks more mature than the rest of the boys?
He's the one that likes you, not me!
Fine, but you better stay away.
Aw, shit!
Harold likes Evelyn?
I think it's about time Evelyn wrote Harold a note.
That's a good idea.
How are we gonna get her to do that?
I'm gonna write it, retardo.
Idiot.
Move it, shrimpy.
Ooh, Evelyn likes the bad boys.
Cromer?
Who's that? Hey.
So, guess who I'm meeting
at the harvest dance on Friday night.
Coach Vanderpool?
No. Evelyn.
Hey, way to go, player!
Yeah, she left me a note
that said she wanted to meet me at the dance
but to play it cool so that Bradley doesn't find out.
I wonder how she knew you liked her.
I don't know, but I have to find something to wear.
Oh, my god.
I'm starting to sound like my sister.
Oh, don't sweat it.
I know this great men's clothing store.
Really?
Think I'm gonna find something nice?
Trust me, my man.
I got my entire wardrobe from this place.
Set me back about $40, but it was worth it.
Mm. Oh, this one's nice.
What do you think?
Hey! You look like a million pesos.
You're really gonna be something on that dance floor.
I can't dance.
You're white, and you're bald.
The expectations are so low for you as a dancer,
You won't have no problem.
What if it's a slow song?
Well, that's easy.
You just, uh, spin her in a circle.
Come here.
Put your hand on my waist. Put this one out.
That's it. Just relax your hips a little bit there.
There you go. Now just move. See that?
Rock back and forth.
The music's playing.
# I'm a little white girl #
# I'm dancing with Harold #
And drop your hand down a little bit there.
She won't get mad at you.
# I'm a little white girl #
# I'm dancing with Harold #
# I'm a little white girl #
# I'm -- #
Let me guess --
That's your old lady, right?
That's my uncle.
Sure he is.
What?
You go pay for that.
I'm gonna check out this rack of velour I saw a minute ago.
Oh, Harold! What'd you get?
Hey, Harold, wait up!
Did you buy something good?
Wait up, Harold! I want to tell you something!
Harold! Hey, Harold, wait up!
If you don't wait up,
I'm taking that damn thing back from you.
Hey, Harold, for Christ's Sake, will you wait up?!
Wait up!
Whoa, whoa! Maude, are you all right?
I think I knocked my teeth out.
Oh, no, here they are.
Oh!
Harold...
Why are you always avoiding me?
Why didn't you stop?
I was kind of in a hurry.
But you always avoid me.
Now, listen...
I am so lonely.
When we met, I thought you understood.
Listen, all right?
I know what it's like to be lonely, okay?
I guess everyone needs someone to talk to,
Someone to help them know that they're not alone.
That's not what I'm talking about, you little fruit.
No, I got people to talk to.
I need somebody to slam me hard and make me walk bowlegged.
Okay, whoa! Maude, I'm 14.
Ooh, that's big!
No, I'm 14 years old.
14? 14?
Wait a minute.
I thought you just had good skin.
14?
Oh, my god, that gives me the creeps.
Listen...
Shit, kid, you come back in a year.
Mmm. Just let me come inside for a little bit.
I can't risk it. My mother and my brother might come home.
Shelly, I am tired of waiting.
Don't you realize that if you keep working me up like this
and not giving me any relief
that I could have some serious medical problems later in life?
I'm sorry, but just please don't rush me.
You know what?
I'm getting a motel room this weekend.
And if you don't come with me,
I know plenty of girls who will.
Patrick, don't say that.
I got to go. Get out.
What?
Get out!
Hey, doll.
Are you going to the dance tonight?
Yeah, I am.
Listen, I'm not supposed to tell anyone,
but I got myself a date.
With who? - Evelyn.
No, really, who do you have a date with?
What, you think just 'cause I'm bald,
no cute girl would have anything to do with me?
Well, think again, because I'm going over the nerd wall,
and I ain't never going back.
Well, Harold, Evelyn is dating a high-school boy.
No, she's not, all right?
And tonight I'm gonna prove it.
Killer parking space.
Looks like it's gonna be a good night.
#...down like a glock when the cops say "freeze" #
# and put your hands in the air and drop to your knees #
# and beg me not to blast a paragraph #
# and at last I murder the mass 'cause I'm killin' it #
# when I'm feelin' it, my adrenaline is like a drug #
# my lyric deliverance is like a slug #
Um, can I have your attention, please?
I want to thank you for coming to the fall dance,
which kicks off harvest weekend here at Patterson!
Eat me! - All right, who said that?
Okay.
Tomorrow, we have the carnival,
donkey basketball,
and Sunday is the Patterson 500 go-kart race!
Suck it!
Congratulations!
You just got yourself a week of detention, mister!
I don't go to school here!
Well, you're being kicked out of this dance!
No, I'm not!
Where'd he go? Stop him!
# I been climbing the ladder like Jacob #
# the fools be faker than makeup #
# their careers I shake up #
Good evening, ladies.
I, uh, brought you this corsage, Evelyn.
Why?
It's from your sweetheart.
Kevin gave you that?
Who's Kevin?
The high-school boy I'm dating.
Wait a second.
What about this note you wrote me right here?
I didn't write you a note.
Hey, sweetheart.
# just the stars tonight and you #
Damn it.
Harold!
Wait!
Listen, are you here to tell me "I told you so"?
You know what?
Just screw you, because I don't need them!
I don't need you! I don't need anybody!
Can I have a push, please?
Sure.
What are you doing?
I'm fixing up your rascal.
Stole some parts from the school tractor.
We're gonna enter that race tomorrow,
and we're gonna beat them little weasels at their own game.
You know what, Cromer? Just forget about it.
I really don't even want to race.
Hey, man, we can't let them kids get away with this.
You know what?
You said to me that if I just gave it a little bit of time
that people would begin to like me for me.
Fuck that!
It ain't working. Time for a new plan.
All right, but you said to me that --
- kid!
Rule number one --
Don't take advice about life from a janitor.
Rule number two -- sometimes people suck.
You got to put a beating on them, bring them down a peg.
I really do not want to do this.
Too late. You're doing it.
What if I lose tomorrow?
See, that's the best part.
Nobody's expecting you to do anything but lose,
so nobody cares.
But if you win...
then they'll be beaten by a loser.
A bald-headed loser!
They'll be completely humiliated.
By mayor of loser town, emperor of failure!
Boy, you so sad -- okay, okay, I get it.
All right? I get it. I'll do it.
Okay.
Come on.
Okay, let the clutch out real easy!
Aah!
Aw, shit!
Evelyn?
Cromer.
Oh. Did we win?
We will.
Just got to figure out how to make this thing go faster.
Come on, kid. Got work to do.
Now, I weighed down the front end,
So you should be all right!
Let her rip!
Poor son of a bitch almost made that turn.
We're gonna do it again!
Well, I'm all done.
She's ready to go.
Looks dangerous.
Oh, yeah. I've got the scabs to prove it.
Oh, chill out. You got a helmet.
Yeah, I wish I had a better one.
No, give me this. I could paint this.
Mom, please don't.
No, no, no, I -- don't worry. You're gonna love it.
I'm gonna need to hit the can before I leave.
All right, I'll show you were it is.
Great.
An accent -- gold.
Hey, is everything all right?
Just leave me alone.
Listen, what's wrong? Maybe I can help.
You wouldn't understand. You're just a kid.
It's between me and Patrick. - Ah.
Wait, is he trying to pressure you into having sex?
Yeah, he is.
What a bonehead.
He said if I didn't go to this motel with him,
He'd tell everyone we did it anyway.
Listen, this guy needs to be taken down a peg.
I think I know someone who can help.
Who? - Cromer.
He'll help me?
Oh, yeah, he's awesome.
I left a growler in there. Y'all got a plunger?
What'd I tell you?
So, I'm really glad you decided to do this.
Yeah, me too.
Um, actually, I'm kind of thirsty.
You want to get us some sodas?
Yeah, anything you want, baby.
And, um, remember our deal -- the lights are off.
Sure thing.
Promise?
I promise.
Snap!
Cromer!
Ahh. So, how was that for you, baby?
That was an appetizer, honey.
Now mama's ready for the main dish.
I wish to hell you would've made me scream like that!
I can't believe that worm's in the race.
What does it matter? I mean, he's not gonna win.
No, that's not good enough.
I want to see him wipe out.
Hey, let's loosen his tire, and he'll eat it.
That's great. - Yeah.
Go do it, Dennis. You go do it.
Hey, dumb ass, if I do it, they'll know something's up.
That's why you've got to do it.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'll do it.
All right.
Hey, Harold.
Yeah, what do you want?
Come here.
Uh, I'm sorry about the other day.
Me and my friends -- we were just kidding with you.
Whatever.
I'm really sorry.
Um, uh, well, uh, good luck in the race today.
And, uh, may the best man win.
That would be me.
Did it.
Dude, this is gonna be so cool. Thanks, man.
Kiddo! Here's your helmet.
Look, I painted it with wings like Apollo.
Mom, I kind of asked you not to do any of this stuff to it.
No, it's gonna look really cool.
Cromer, doesn't this look cool?
Kid, just wear the helmet.
Now, good luck, sweetheart.
Okay. M'kay.
The only reason I came here was to see my friend Harold.
That -- Harold is our friend, too.
Really?
Yeah, how you doing? I'm reedy. This is Dusty.
Hello, Dusty. My name's Maude.
Hi, Maude. Nice to meet you.
Hi, Maude, nice to meet you, too.
Hey, uh, Rhonda, I just wanted to come and apologize
about the other night at the dance.
It was uncalled for.
Forget about it. Good luck today.
Thanks. You too. - Thanks.
I, uh -- I hope you don't think
you're entering the race with this thing.
This vehicle is not up to regulation.
What are you talking about?
It's got four wheels and an engine,
just like them other vehicles.
Sorry. He can't race.
I'm doing it for his own safety.
Oh, you let them other kids just beat up on him,
and now you're concerned about his safety?
You can sell that crap to someone else.
Are you finished? - No, I am not.
See, I clean your office every night,
And I know about all them freaky hobbies you got going on.
Hobbies?
What are you -- what are you talking about?
Well, let's just say you should consider
clearing the memory on your computer...
unless you want to go talk to the principal about it.
Huh? Come on. Let's go.
Fine.
He can race.
Damn right he can race.
What weird hobbies are you talking about?
I don't know. I just made that up.
But he's such a weird dude,
I'm sure there's something freaky in there.
Okay, everybody! Start your engines.
On your mark...
get set...
and go!
Start me up!
All right, go!
Go, Harold!
Ohh, shit!
You're a loser!
Whoa! Whoa!
Don't worry, kid. Back it up.
We'll get you going in no time.
Uh-oh. Where's the lug nuts?
Come on, Cromer, just forget about it.
We lost the race. - Damn it.
Well, I'm gonna throw this wheel at this kid when he comes back by.
What happened?
The lug nut came off my front wheel.
So, take a lug nut from the back wheel and put it on the front.
She's right. Pretty smart.
How do you think I get all those C's?
Okay! - Thanks.
Go kick some butt.
Okay!
Way to go, Harold!
Kids got a good lead on him.
Don't know if he can catch them.
I'll slow them down.
Hey, boys! Whoo-hoo!
Go, Harold! Sorry, boys.
Final lap!
Yeah!
You're going down, baby!
You got nothing!
Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah!
Whoo!
That's my son!
That's my brother!
I gave that kid a lap dance!
I did.
Yes!
Whoo!
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Yes! Ah! Unh! Unh!
Hey, hey, hey! You did it, Harold!
We did it!
Hey, way to go, Harold.
Yeah, you too. It was a lot of fun.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Now, why don't you go and save that
for your high-school boyfriend, toots?
Now, if you don't mind,
we've got to go collect our trophy.
Okay? Shall we? - Yep.
I can't believe Harold won.
He's great.
So are you.
Hey, what are you doing? You crying? - No.
Yeah, you're spitting tears out like a little girl.
Harold beat you, loser.
That's what's up.
Congratulations!
Oh! Thank you, Shelly.
We're so proud of you! You see? It was a lucky helmet.
Okay.
Harold! - Yes?
It's time for the trophy presentation.
And by the way...
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Scuse us! Coming through!
Hi. My name is James. I'm one of Harold's friends.
Um, you look sad.
Yeah, I'm not that sad.
Okay.
Hey, I'm -- I'm glad you won. - Thanks, Dennis.
And I'm sorry if I gave you a hard time.
Don't worry about it. Good race.
This year's Patterson 500 champion
is Harold Reynolds!
Thank you.
Hey, Harold!
Hey, Reedy!
You don't have to worry about taking her cans out anymore, kid.
Come on, Reedy. I'm ready for my morning poke.
Yeah!
In the end, things started to work out.
I learned to like Fredricksberg.
Now, don't get me wrong.
It was still a shit hole, but it was my shit hole.
Hey, ready to walk around town?
Yeah. - All right.
Dad, I'm going!
# but for you I'd go to the edge of the world #
You kids have fun.
All right! Thanks, Carl!
# Sunday shining #
Don't do anything too nutty.
# we're staying around here #
# but for you I'd go where the north winds blow #
# so far down the lane #
Look at him. He's so weird.
I know he got something freaky going on.
Probably plays "monkey, hide the banjo" or something.
Cutting!
Neh neh neh neh neh neh.
No, I don't know what it's like to be a teenage girl.
I just came out a bitter 40-year-old woman.
Did you boys grow vaginas over the summer?
Harold, will you wait up?!
Just wait up!
Oh. Well, you look like my left nut.
# you got to give what you got if you want a lot #
#...So you'll be mine #
# you get to me all the time #
# Sunday shining #
# we're staying around here #
# but for you, I'd fly way high in the sky #
I was afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid I'm falling in love.
# we're staying around here #
Sure he is.
That's wh-- he's a friend of mine, too.
I'm reedy. She's his friend, too -- Dusty.
This is Dusty.
My name's Maude. - Hi, Maude.
Hi, Dusty. What's your name?
Reedy. - Reedy.
What, you didn't hear me the first time?
You need a kleenex?
Ah, you're crying already, for Christ's Sakes.
# make no amends #
My last patient walked out of here with my wristwatch.
Imagine my embarrassment, going down to lost and found,
explaining how I lost it.
I'm kidding.
You're doing okay -- just another minute.
# you sent for me on the edge of a breeze #
# you got to give what you got if you want a lot #
Eat me!
All right, who said that?
First one's on the house for the governor!
There you go. All right, buddy.
What a freak.
# we're staying around here #
All right, have fun. I'm gonna stay here.
Okay, that was so good, right?
Who wants to party, man? Yeah!
# we're staying around here #
# but for you I'd go where the north winds blow #
# so far down the lane #
# caught in a gulf stream #
# hey #
# it's good to know people come and go #
# where their lives go, nobody knows #
# they come and they go #
# nice to see we both can't agree #
# it's nice to be as close as you and me #
# where our lives go, we don't really know #
# we come and we go #
# nobody knows #
# well, you and me #
# barely getting by to breathe #
# what tomorrow brings #
# where will you be in my time of need? #
# well, you and me #
# barely getting by to breathe #
# what tomorrow brings #
# where will you be in my time of need? #
# it's good to know, it's good to know #
# it's good to know #
# it's good to know, it's good to know #
# it's good to know #
Subtitles by LeapinLar